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The thing to do with a silly remark is to fail to hear it.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 11
"'Zebediah, the mistake we made was not in putting shoes on them or in teaching them to read -- we should never have taught them to talk!'"
--Zebediah John Carter quoting his paternal grandfather, The Number Of The Beast, pg 11
Tomorrow I will seven eagles see, a great comet will appear, and voices will speak from whirlwinds foretelling monstrous and fearful things -- This Universe never did make sense; I suspect that it was built on government contract.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 16
"Brainy" had spent his life in a search for The Truth -- intending to place it under house arrest.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 16
" . . . but killers don't look like killers; they look like people."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 23
I flipped on the transponder, but to the left, not right,. It would now answer with a registered, legal signal . . . but not one registered to my name. This cost me some shekels I did not need but were appreciated by a tight-lipped family man in Indio. Sometimes it is convenient not to be identified by sky cops every time one crosses a state line.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 24
A skilled electron pusher might find a way to override my lock, then drive her manually. But the first time he attempted to use autopilot, the car would not only not accept the program but would scream for help on all police frequencies. This causes car thieves to feel maladjusted.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 25
" -- yes, it can wait. Although I have trouble believing that anyone wishes to kill me."
"Available data indicate it."
"Agreed. But I have not yet grasped it emotionally."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 28
"You are a boastful old tart, but not that old. When Mr. Wells died, you were still a virgin."
"Slanderer! Hit him, Jake -- he insulted me."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 30
Because two things equal to the same thing are never equal to each other.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 36
" . . . he's not a member of the Ku Klux Klan -- [...] -- but he's a wizard under a sheet."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 37
"Women are tough -- minded, men are not; we have to protect them . . . while pretending to be fragile ourselves, to build up their fragile egos."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 38
"First secret of living with a man: Feed him as soon as he wakes."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 38
Let me tell you, you non-existent reader sitting there with a tolerant sneer: don't be smug. Jane is more real than you are.
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 39
The spirit of a good woman cannot be coded by nucleic acids arranged in a double helix, and only an overeducated fool could think so. I could prove that mathematically save that mathematics can never prove anything. No mathematics has any content. All any mathematics can do is -- sometimes -- turn out to be useful in describing some aspects of our so -- called "physical universe." That is a bonus; most form of mathematics are as meaning -- free as chess.
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number
Of The Beast, pg 39
I don't know any final answers. I'm an all-around mechanic and a competent mathematician . . . and neither is of any use in unscrewing the inscrutable.
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 40
"Deety, never encourage a man to cook breakfast; it causes him to wonder if women are necessary. If you always get his breakfast and don't raise controversial issues until after his second cup of coffee, you can get away with murder the rest of the time. They don't notice other odors when they smell bacon."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 41
Are men and women one race? I know what biologists say -- but history is loaded with "scientists" jumping to conclusion from superficial evidence.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 42
I hear that there are things no whore will do for money but I have yet to find anything that a university chancellor faced with a deficit will boggle at.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 42
A univer$ity alway$ $tand$ $taunchly by it$ $olvent a$$ociate$; that$ the ba$ic $ecret of $chola$tic $ucce$$.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 43
I am strong for women's rights but was never taken in by unisex nonsense. I don't yearn to be equal; Sharpie is as unequal as possible, with all the perks and bonuses and special privileges that come from being one of the superior sex. If a man fails to hold a door for me, I fail to see him and step on his instep. I feel now shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men -- noblesse oblige). I don't
begrudge men one wit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudofemale; I am female and like it that way.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 43
"Piffle, dear. I don't have morals, just customs."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 43
"That's right, dear. Never tell a man anything he doesn't need to know, and lie with a straight face rather than hurt his feelings or diminish his pride."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 44
" . . . working because you want to is the best sort of play."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 45
"No philosopher allows his opinion to be swayed by facts -- he would be kicked out of his guild. Theologians, the lot of them."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 54
The Number Of The Beast: (6^6)^6 = (1.03144+)10^28 = 10,314,424,798,490,535,546,171,949,056
--The Number Of The Beast, pg 54
I long ago reached that conclusion because you won't talk about it. Wrong of me. Lack of data never justifies a conclusion.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 55
I read the Bible for my own reasons but it never occurred to me that Jacob would. We always marry strangers.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 55
"My Captain, do you go in for orgies?"
"No, but you can't tell what may turn up in the future."
--Zebediah John Carter answering Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 58
Being an oracle is a no good profession.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 64
What better time to drink life to the dregs than when we know that any hour might be our last?
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 65
Being a campus widow with too much money is fun but not soul filling.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 68
I like to feel that I've paid rent on the piece of earth I'm using.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 68
(I burned unflattering pictures, useless papers, and clothes. A dead person's clothes should be given away or burned; nothing should be kept that does not inspire happy memories. I cried a bit and that saved Jacob and Deety from having to cry later.)
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 68
Let us all preserve our illusions; it lubricates social relations.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 71
The cowards never started and the weaklings died along the way.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs quoting an old axiom, The Number Of The Beast, pg 72
I sometimes wonder which of us is the outlaw: Zebediah or I? Most males have an unhealthy tendency to obey laws. But that concealed L-cannon made me wonder.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 74
"Arthur C. Clarke. Great man -- too bad he was liquidated in the The Purge. Clarke defined how to make a great discovery or create a key invention. Study what the most respected authorities agree can not be done -- then do it."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 75
"I never worry about theory as long as machinery does what it is supposed to do."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 75
"But I did, Deety. To prove that degrees per se were worthless. Often they are honorifics of true scientists or learned scholars or inspired teachers. Much more frequently they are false faces for overeducated jackasses."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 79
"A doctorate is a union card to get a tenured job. It does not mean that the holder thereof is wise or learned."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 79
"To quote Grandfather Zachariah, 'A man who bets on greed and dishonesty won't be wrong too often.' There is an amazingly high percentage of greedy people and it is even easier to win from a dishonest gambler than it is from an honest one."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 82
"I didn't say that Zeb had done anything to be ashamed of. It is a commentary on American higher education. What Zeb claims to have written is no worse that trash I know is accepted as dissertations these days. His case is the only one I have encountered wherein an intelligent and able scholar -- you Zeb -- set out to show that an 'earned' Ph.D. could be obtained from a famous institution -- I know which one! -- in exchange for deliberately meaningless pseudoresearch. The cases I have
encountered have involved button-counting by stupid and humorless young persons under the supervision of stupid and humorless old fools. I see no way to stop it; the rot is too deep. The only answer is to chuck the system and start over. Impossible."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 85
"My beloved Princess, you eat meat. Minks are vicious carnivores and the ones used for fur are raised for no other purpose -- not trapped. They are well treated, then killed humanely. If your ancestors had not killed for meat and furs as the last glaciation retreated, you would not be here. Illogical sentiment leads to the sort of tragedy you find in India and Bangladesh."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 88
"Face up to it, yes, but not grow calloused. Deety, I've seen too many men die. I've never grown inured to it. One must accept death, learn not to fear it, then never worry about it. 'Make Today Count!' as a friend whose days are numbered told me. Live in that spirit and when death comes, it will come as a welcome friend."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 93
Foolhardiness has never appealed to me. Given a chance to run, I run. I don't mean I'll bug out on a wing mate when the unfriendlies show up, and certainly not on a wife and unborn child. But I wanted us all to run.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 96
(that she would joke in the jaws of Moloch was not a fault but a source of esprit.)
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 96
It sounded logical, but I could not forget Kettering's Law: "Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 102
"He behaves like a pompous old fool I can't stand him. I plan to do an autopsy on him."
"But he's not dead."
"That can be corrected!"
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners to Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 103
Being too close to a fireball can worry a man -- to death.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 119
"Memory is tied to entropy increase, my darling daughter. Death might be preferable to amnesia combined with prophetic knowledge. Uncertainty may be the factor that makes life tolerable. Hope is what keeps us going."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 121
But when it involves changing male minds, it is better to let men reach their own decisions; they become somewhat less pig-headed.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 129
Zebbie is a funny one -- he wears rudeness like a Hallowe'en mask, afraid that someone will discover the Galahad underneath.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 131
At least once every human should have to run for his life, to teach him that milk does not come from supermarkets, that safety does not come from policemen, that "news" is not something that happens to other people. He might learn how his ancestors lived and that he himself is no different -- in the crunch his life depends on his agility, alertness, and personal resourcefulness.
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 134
Zeb is indeed a "coward by trade" -- he avoids trouble whenever possible -- a most commendable trait in a leader. If a captain worries about the safety of his command, those under him need not worry.
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 135
"I wish they wouldn't hold mornings so early."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 138
"A computer doesn't accept excuses. A mistake can be anything from 'null program' to disaster."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 146
"You look like expensive stuff."
"I'm very expensive stuff, darling wolf. All I want is every cent a man has and constant pampering -- then a fat estate when he dies."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 147
"I know the gun is loaded but not what it will do. So I spiked it."
"Sensible. Russian Roulette lacks appeal."
--Zebediah John Carter to Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 149
"Magic is a symbol for any process not understood."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 151
"A basic proposition of epistemology, bedrock both for the three basic statements of semantics and for information theory, is that an observed fact requires no proof. It simply is, self-demonstrating. Let philosophers worry about it; they haven't anything better to do."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 152
The female mind is too fast for me. I often can reach the same conclusion; a woman gets there first and never by the route I have to follow.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 153
"Gay is not an 'it.' She's a person. You'll never know how relieved I was when it turned out that you two were going to be friends. If she had been jealous of you -- May the gods deliver us from a vindictive machine!"
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 155
"Cap'n Zebbie, the one time I fired a gun, I went backwards, the bullet went that-a-way, and I had a sore shoulder. Better have me walk in front to trip land mines."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 157
Caught with your hand in the cooky jar, throw yourself on the mercy of the court.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 158
I wondered how Bumpsky was going to explain to the Grand Duke. Brass Hats are notoriously reluctant to believe unlikely stories.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 170
"Pipe down and carry out your orders! It's this damned yack-yack and endless argument that's giving me ulcers."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 173
Perhaps the loaded-pistol symbol? You know the one: The officer in disgrace returns to his quarters and finds that someone has thoughtfully loaded his pistol and placed it on his desk . . . thereby saving the regiment the scandal of a court.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 175
"Deety, never monkey with a system that is working well enough -- First Corollary of Murphy's Law."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 176
" . . . that last shot was unfriendly. rude. Impetuous. Or am I prejudiced? Science Officer? Le mot juste, s'il vous plait."
"Nye kultoorni."
"I remember that one! Makes Russians turn green. What does it mean? [...]"
"Means what it sounds like: 'uncultured.'"
--The Number Of The Beast, pg 178/179
"I have a suggestion, Cap'n Zebbie."
"Science Officer, I like your suggestions."
"You won't like this one. When all else fails, tell the truth."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 179
Random numbers are to a computer what free will is to a human being.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 180
We were all intensely interested as we were all in the same peril . . . but how much tougher is it to be captain rather than one of the crew?<.i>
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 182
"Deety, you wouldn't fib to your poor old broken-down husband?"
"Sir, when my husband is poor and old and broken-down I will not fib to him."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 182
But one can't show deepest gratitude every instant, just as one cannot remain in orgasm continuously; some emotions are too strong to stay always at peak.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 188
I did not have to be told that a latrine should be downstream or that our shovel should be carried every time without fail -- rules for a clean camp are as old as the Old Testament.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 193
I was learning, with breath-snatching speed, something that most people never learn: A commanding officer's 'unlimited' authority isn't freedom; it's a straitjacket. She can't do as she pleases; she never can -- because every minute, awake and asleep, she must protect those under her command.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 193
What to do?
Cancel the order?
NO!
Cancel if a better scheme turned up. But don't cancel without finding something better.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 194
(The authority of a commanding officer almost never requires force. Odd but true -- I wondered how I knew that.)
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 195
" -- I think commanding was as new to Zebediah as it is to you. Like sex, or having a baby, you can't understand it till you've tried it."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 197
"Sometimes you have to let the bloke die because there is something els that has to be done. Saw it happen. Does no good to worry ahead of time or grieve about it afterwards. You do what you must."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 200
I tried to explain the difference between a male friend and a bedmate -- the scarcity of the first, the boring plethora of applicants for the other.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 204
God watches over Hilda Mae and that's why I keep Him on my payroll. But sometimes He is rough about it.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 205
"A commanding officer commands; she doesn't ask for votes. You can resign -- or -- die -- or lose to a mutiny and get hanged from your own yardarm. But if you take a vote, you're not a captain; you're a politician."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 210
"Jacob, as captain I look at things from another perspective. It is better to be a lively frump than a stylish corpse."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 212
(Why do women have this compulsion to confess? It is not a typical male vice.)
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 215
"People who pass up temptations have only themselves to blame."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 215
"Jane taught me that the only important rule is not to hurt people . . . which very often -- Jane's words! -- consists in not talking unnecessarily."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 216
( -- can the id be that idiotic?)
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 217
-- "man talk," no doubt. Men need us but can just barely stand us; every now and then they have to discuss our faults. I think that is why they shut us out.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 218
Advice to all explorers: Do not roam the universes without a spare can opener.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 222
"Zebediah, the captain of a ship doesn't have to explain why she gives an order. Or does she?"
"Of course not. Oh, a captain sometimes does explain. But she shouldn't do it often or the crew will start thinking they are entitled to explanations. In a crunch this can kill you."
--Zebediah John Carter to Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 225
"Well . . . 'tain't polite to ground without clearance; such rudeness can make one suddenly dead."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 227
Dealing with underlings is frustrating.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 229
I was so angry I wanted to slap him! but I never slap anyone; a woman who takes advantage of her size and sex to slap a man is herself no gentleman.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 230
"You're a genius. You aren't the absent-minded sort who needs a boy to lead him around. You can hammer a nail with the best of them and can use power tools without chopping your fingers. You're good company and you managed to attract one of the three finest women I've ever know so much that she married you. Yet you have publicly insulted her twice in one day. Twice. Tell me: Do you have to study to be that stupid? Or is it a gift, like your genius for mathematics."
--Zebediah
John Carter to Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 232
"Jake, leave bad enough alone! Mess with it, you'll make it worse."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 233
(I had not been trying to save Pop's marriage -- that's his problem. Even my own marriage was secondary; I was trying to save the team, and so was Zebediah. We were two marriages and that is important -- but most important we were a survival team and either we worked together smoothly or none would live through it.)
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 234
I cleaned my nails. If I clean them before each meal and again at bedtime, they are dirty only in between -- dirt likes me. Mama Jane told me that centuries ago, while ouching my hair for school -- not a criticism; a statement of fact.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 234
I do not believe that I am wrong in insisting that Zeb should lead us. I am forced to conclude that being right has little to do with holding a woman's affections. I never intend to hurt Hilda's feelings. I now plan to make a career of keeping my mouth shut.
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 243
But I look forward to the day the Hillbilly asks me to jigger for her. That will be my final promotion -- no longer Jane's little girl in Hilda's eyes but Jane's equal, trusted as utterly as she trusted Jane. And I will be rid of the last trace of the shameful jealousy I have for my beloved Mama Jane.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 263
"Dreck. No one is ever justified in starting a fight under a host's roof. The very most that can be justified under extreme provocation is to tell the other party privately that you are ready to meet him at another time and place."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 267
"Jake, I don't enjoy teaching manners to my senior. But your parents neglected you, so I must."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 267
"Extreme individualists [...] don't take kindly to discipline because they rarely understand it's nature and function."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 269
"Deety, I was not aware that I had been dodging. I thought I was conducting a reasonable discussion."
"Pop, you always think so. But you are reasonable only in mathematics."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 273
"Thank you, Jacob. But I did not 'ask' you; I ordered you. True, it was phrased as a request . . . but orders of a commanding officer are customarily phrased as requests -- a polite protocol."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 273
"I have found that it is more practical to present a man with a fait accompli than a discussion."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 284
"Let me add that since I handle secret and most -- secret despatches, I know things that I don't know, if I make my meaning clear."
--Leftenant Brian Bean, The Number Of The Beast, pg 286
"I understood it, Zebbie; I speak Officialese, Campusese, and Bureaucratese."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 290
"Zebbie, I learned before you were born that when someone wants to see me in a hurry, the urgency is almost never mutual."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 290
"You've been most thoughtful throughout our stay, Squeaky. You are a warm, charming, hospitable, bastardly fink. One who would sell his wife to a Port Said pimp. Aside from that you are practically perfect."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 293
" . . . but not having muscles I must fight with words."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 296
"Coaxing!"
"Some people are harder to coax than others."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 297
"Although you were a person of some importance in your own land, you are now something between a prisoner and a nuisance."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 299
"Sounds good, but I don't know what a 'white mutiny' is."
"Sweetheart, it's killing him with kindness. He says 'Frog,' we hop. Utter and literal obedience."
"This he won't like? Pop will love it!"
"So? Would you like to command zombies who never make suggestions and carry out orders literally without a grain of common sense."
--Zebediah John Carter to Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 302
The Hillbilly is about as helpless as Zebediah but thinks God created men to pamper women. I've heard less reasonable philosophies.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 304
"Captain, of what use is an empty universe?"
"Zeb, 'empty universe' is a meaningless expression. Space -- time implies mass -- energy, and vice versa."
"Captain, it looks empty to me."
"And to me. I'm faced by a dilemma in theory. Is the mass in this space -- time so far away that we can't see it? Or is it in a state of 'Cold Death,' level entropy? Or die we create this universe by rotating?"
--Jacob Burroughs to Zeb, The Number Of The Beast, pg 309
(I felt annoyed that my son -- in -- law consulted my daughter as to the correctness of my professional opinion -- then suppressed the thought. Deety will always be my little girl, which makes it hard for me to remember that she is also my professional colleague.)
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 310
"Copilot, you worry too much."
"Probably. Captain, my whole life is based on being chicken at every opportunity."
--Zebediah John Carter to Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 311
I tend to think of this as the "real" universe even though I am aware that there is no evidence or mathematical theory for preferring one frame of reference over another -- to do so is egocentric provincialism at is worst. But I offer this in mitigations: for us it was simplest and thereby helped us to avoid getting lost.
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 312
"Despite being a colonel, you have never learned that you can't assign responsibility without delegating authority to match -- and then respect it. Jake, you're a lousy boss."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 319
"All humans are created unequal. You are bigger and stronger than Pop; I am bigger and stronger than Hilda. I have the least years of experience; Pop has the most. Pop is a supergenius... but he concentrates so hard that he forgets to eat -- unless he has a nursemaid to watch him -- as Mama did, as I did, as Hilda now does. You, sir, are the most all -- around competent man I've ever met, whether driving a duo, or dancing, or telling outrageous tales. Three of us have eight or nine earned degrees . . . but Aunt Hilda with none is a walking encyclopedia from insatiable curiosity and extraordinary memory. We two are baby factories and you two are not -- but two men can impregnate fifty women -- or five hundred. There is no end to the ways that we four are unequal. But in one supremely important way all of us are equals._
"We are pioneers.
"Men alone are not pioneers; they can't be. Pioneer mothers share the dangers of pioneer fathers and go on having babies. Babies were born in the Mayflower, lots were born in covered wagons -- and lots died, too. Women didn't stay home; they went along._"
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 321
"An imaginable danger is not necessarily better than an unimaginable one; it may be worse."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 321
"I can't see that vermin are more to be dreaded that Hitler's S.S. Corps. The sadism of some human beings -- not just Storm Troopers; you can find sadist in any country including the United States -- is more frightening to me than any monster."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 322
"A creature's appearance tells nothing about its capacity for sadism."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 322
" -- a miracle that makes the Land of Oz as commonplace as faithful husbands."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 324
"Captain, you see a difference between magic and engineering, I don't."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 325
"I believe in just two things: Murphy's Law, and Place Not Your Faith in an Ace Kicker."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 235
How does one describe Glinda the Good? Everyone knows that she is tall and stately and beautiful and never frowns and wears all day long what I think of as beautiful evening gowns with sweeping trains. But those are just words.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 329
"But please pass the Tobasco sauce; cats have very little taste."
--The Cowardly Lion contemplating devouring Eureka, The Number Of The Beast, pg 331
"Spells are always literal, Captain; that's why they can cause so much trouble. I rarely use them. This one means what I said: You would be kept away from any vermin of the sort you call 'Black Hats.'"
"In that case we couldn't recognize one, could we? Or get close enough to destroy it."
"I think one would have to devise ways to do each at a distance. Spells do not reason, Captain. Like computers, they operate literally."
--Glinda The Good, The Number Of The Beast, pg 333
A man who takes his wife as a pupil is breeding a divorce.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 328
"Jake, what do women talk about in can conferences?"
"I'm afraid to find out."
--Jacob Burroughs to Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 340
"Don't laugh -- because you told me that you and Jacob discussed the heart of it, the idea that human thought exists as quanta. I don't know quanta from Qantas Airways, but I know that a quantum is an indivisible unit. You told me that you and Jacob had discussed the possibility that imagination had its own sort of indivisible units of quanta -- you called them 'fictons' -- or was it ficta? Either way, the notion was that every story ever told -- or to be told if there is a difference -- exists somewhere in the Number of the Beast."
"But, Hilda my love, that was merely abstract speculation!"
"Jacob, your colleagues regard this car as 'abstract speculation.' Didn't you tell me that the human body is merely complex equations of wave forms?"
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 342
"Sharpie, you have just invented pantheistic multiperson solipsism. I didn't think it was mathematically possible."
"Zeb, anything is mathematically possible."
--Zebediah John Carter and Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 345
"Johnson was a fat, pompous, gluttonous, dirty old fool who would have faded into the obscurity he so richly deserved had he not been followed around by a spit-licking sycophant."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 349
"Aunt Hilda, who can possibly be as deeply inside a story as the person who writes it?"
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 353
"Captain Deety, the jolly, murderous roughnecks called the Knights of the Round Table are fun to read about but not to know socially."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 355
"Zebediah, you're being logical -- a most unfair way to argue!"
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 355
"Sharpie, if you weren't such good company I'd strangle you."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast 358
" -- I confess a prejudice for human beings, with human odors and dandruff and faults. Supermen or angels trouble me more than vermin. I know what to do with a 'Black Hat' -- kill it! But a superman would make me feel so inferior that I would not want to go on living."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 371
-- every major shortcoming of our native planet could be traced to one cause: too many people, not enough planet.
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 371
"Deety, why must I hang around a thousand milliseconds for a job I can do in ten? Don't you trust me?"
--Gay Deceiver in Oz, The Number Of The Beast, pg 371
Clothing is worn for adornment and for protection -- never through "shame."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 377
One can't expect logic from males; they think with their testicles and act from their emotions.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 385
But a captain commands -- or admits she can't cut it and jumps overboard. A captain can be wrong -- she cannot be uncertain.
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 390
"Zebbie, you're advising me not to?"
"Hell, no. Do it! What do we have to lose? Aside from our lives. And we're sort of used to that."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 390
(I don't blame men for being shy. Our plumbing is out of sight, mostly, but theirs is air conditioned and oft times embarrassingly semaphoric. Embarrasses them, I mean; women find it interesting, often amusing. My nipples show my emotions, too -- but in the culture in which I grew up nipples don't count that much.)
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 395
"I always have to step in it to find it. But I never claimed to be bright." -- Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 397
It's no virtue to have this or that physical asset; it's ancestry combined with self -- obligation to take care of one's body. But a body feature can be pleasing to the owner as well as to others.
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 397
"But I'll say this for Lazarus: He's slow but he gets there and has believed all his life that any paradox can be paradoctored."
--Paratime Ship Dora, The Number Of The Beast, pg 402
Stipulated: I may be in a locked ward. But to assume that to be factual serves no purpose other than suicide of personality. I shall act on what my senses report. I am not the bumpkin who said on seeing a giraffe: "There ain't no sich animal."
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 405
"Jake, when I tell those doors to close, I want them to close. If, in closing, one chops off a man's head, you can assume that I think he looks better that way."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 412
"A cat can be caught in almost any trap once; but that cat will not be caught in the same trap twice._"
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 413
"Commodore, it is true that I never learned to lie convincingly. So I gave it up a long time ago."
--Elizabeth Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 414
"Commodore, I wasn't very successful as a male. I simply took antigeneria whenever Lazarus did. But I can report his rule of thumb. [...] When a man looks at a new and attractive woman and decides that he is too tired, it's time. When he doesn't even look, push him over and bury him; he's failed to notice that he's dead."
--Elizabeth Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 414
(I did have a weapon. I had palmed an item as I left Gay. But never admit a holdout.)
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 421
Long years as a slave taught me to put with anything without a squawk. That doesn't make it pleasant.
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 423
Clothes are no asset in unarmed brawl; the other man can use yours against you.
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 423
"I'm safe. I was safe when he was armed but he was being insolent so I spanked him."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners after having Lazarus Long disarmed and stripped, The Number Of The Beast, pg 424
. . . but it has long been known to all but legislators, judges, and other fools that a scrap of clothing fig -- leafing whatever may be taboo (taboos vary endlessly and each is a "law of nature") is far more stimulating than is no clothing.
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 426
(Warning to time -- travellers: to assume that the taboos of your native culture are "natural" and that you can't go too wrong behaving by the rules your loving parents taught you is to risk death. Or worse. If you think death has no "worse," read history.)
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 426
"Lazarus, let's see you pull a hat out of the rabbit. [...] Any second rate magician can pull a rabbit out of a hat. Can Lazarus Long pull a hat out of a rabbit?"
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 427
"Lazarus, from what I've heard of you, your sole weakness lies in a delight in cheating for its own sake; Deety treats it as an intellectual art."
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners, The Number Of The Beast, pg 429
"The question is where do we get the corpse?"
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 437
I'm not sure I want to live a thousand years or even two hundred. But I am sure of this: a) I want to live quite a piece; and b) I want to be alert, healthy, and active right up to the last.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 438
(commuting is no problem when light years mean nothing)
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 441
"All right, all right! I own this corpse. No murder or any other crime involved. Now will you quit riding me about it?"
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 442
"I'm not saying that I've never killed. A man who has lived even half as long as I have has found himself more than once in a kill-or-be-killed situation. But the best way to deal with such a situation is not to get into it. Anticipate it. Avoid it."
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 444
"All the King's horses and all the King's men can't close Pandora's Box again. Once it hits the fan, the only thing to do is sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer."
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 444
"I admit that the thought has often passed through my mind that this character or that would look his best as the centerpiece of a funeral. But can I convince you that I've never acted on such thoughts."
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 444
-- but Hilda holds to the Higher Truth that it is better to kind than to be frank.
--Jacob Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 450
"But before you criticize, ask your husband whether or not I ever permitted one of my parties to flop."
"Don't need to ask him. Why, at your last one, our old Buick blew up. Never a dull moment."
"I didn't plan that. But we got husbands out of it; . . . "
--Hilda (Sharpie) Corners to Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 454
"It is the most indecent outfit I've ever seen, with no other purpose than to excite lewd, libidinous, lascivious, licentious, lustful longings in the loins of Lotharios."
"Isn't that the purpose of clothing?"
"Well . . . aside from protection -- yes."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs to Elizabeth Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 456
"The Commodore never rejects anyone for failing; but what she despises is not trying."
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs, The Number Of The Beast, pg 458
For a veteran of sixteen wars and Koshchei alone knows how many skirmishes and narrow escapes to be placed in a position where he is so shocked that blood drains from his head and he collapses "ain't fitten."
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 461
Where does a man in combat carry his most cherished possessions? In a breast pocket, usually the left one. I always have and I've never heard a veteran deny this.
--Zebediah John Carter, The Number Of The Beast, pg 462
"Message to you from Ishtar. To be delivered when needed, and now is the time. Ish read both your charts with her computer set for maximum pessimism. She also had them read at New Rome without identification other than her own file numbers. She has this message for you . . . in answer to the answer you will make. She says to tell you that you are an uncivilized primitive, ignorant of science, especially genetics, oversentimental, almost pathologically stubborn, retarded, probably senile,
superstitious, and provincial . . . and that she loves you dearly but will not permit you to make decisions in her area of authority."
--Elizabeth Long to Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 464
"Zeb, here is the wisdom of the ages: Men rule but women decide."
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 464
( [...] Computers are supergenius level children and must be dealt with on their own level.)
--Dejah Thoris Burroughs about self -- aware computers, The Number Of The Beast, pg 467
"Jubal, you are a bad influence."
"From you, Lafe, that is a compliment."
--Jubal Harshaw to Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 481
"But I am not a machine. I am a solid -- state person just as you are a protein person."
--Athene (Long) the computer to Jubal Harshaw, The Number Of The Beast, pg 482
"Don't be in a hurry. What's our working title? What pen name? What market? How long? What can we steal? -- [...] Correction. Not 'steal.' If you copy from three or more authors, it's research. I patronize Anon, Ibid, & Opcit, Research Unlimited."
--Jubal Harshaw to Athene, The Number Of The Beast, pg 483
"Admitted: I come from one of those sick cultures -- and did not know that I was sick until I got well. But I underwent experiences that would cure anyone of such emotional disturbance. When I find myself a Stranger in a Strange Land, I savor the differences rather than suffer shock."
--Jubal Harshaw, The Number Of The Beast, pg 485
"As I once heard Andrew -- that's my disappearing brother -- say: 'Life consists of accommodating oneself to the Universe.' Although the rest of our family has never taken that view. We believe in forcing the Universe to accommodate itself to us."
--Jubal Harshaw dictating copy, The Number Of The Beast, pg 486
"Jubal, are there days when you feel obsolete?"
"Correction, Lafe. There occasionally comes a day when I do not feel obsolete. They've been scarce lately."
--Jubal Harshaw to Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 488
[The question was rhetorical, the reply was serious.]
"Jubal, I promise to keep secrets only through evil motives, my own."
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 490
"Doctor Harshaw, I did not suspect that I was exposing you to this. I will take all necessary steps to repair it. In the meantime I hope that you will accept my shamed apology and believe in my intention to make full reparation."
"Lafe, don't take yourself so hogwash seriously."
"I beg pardon?"
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 491
"Jubal, why is it that the speaker who knows least talks longest?"
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 492
[On the subject of lecturers, but a similar sentiment can be found in The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress. -- MN]
"The accused stood mute and the court ordered a plea of nux vomica entered in the record."
--Hazel Stone, The Number Of The Beast, pg 499
"Mrs. Gordon, Boondock is so new that its customs have not yet calcified. Almost any behavior is acceptable if meant in a kindly way. Anybody causes real trouble, it's up to our chairman Ira Weatheral and advisers selected by him. Since Ira doesn't like the job, he tends to procrastinate, hoping the problem will go away. As a result we don't have much government and few customs."
--Lazarus Long, The Number Of The Beast, pg 506
"There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. Try to see a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's science. Three: Awareness that you live in a malevolent universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset in part by Brewster's Factor: that's engineering."
--unknown lecturer, The Number Of The Beast, pg 508
(Return to Quotations Files Index)
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